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Topic Title: I think i may be suffering from HOCD
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francesca03 said 5 years, 4 months ago:
for roughly a year now I have been swinging in and out of these ‘obsessive episodes’ where I almost completely convince myself that I am gay. to be honest, I have always really identified as straight, I never declared it I just got on with what felt true to me. I have had a few passionate crushes on other boys (I’m a girl) and I have enjoyed the experiences that I have had with other boys, I just haven’t had a boyfriend yet. When I was roughly 7, I had an experience with a girl that caused me a lot of mental trouble last year, it being a bad memory. at the time I went along with what the girl wanted to do (play ‘mummies and daddies’ and kiss) because I was scared of getting into trouble. sometimes the game was fun and I didn’t mind, but I definitely minded when I could understand what had happened when I looked back on it as a teenager. In fact, this memory caused so much distress I wasn’t eating, sleeping, keeping good grades or attendance at school, etc. It was so difficult but somehow (I don’t remember how) I got through it. But then this started and I don’t know what may have triggered it. I’ve always had quite a low self-esteem and so I have always spent a lot of time watching other girls and comparing their outside beauty and perfection to me, making me look like rubbish quite frankly. But now I look at other girls to gauge where I fall on the spectrum, to analyze my reaction. Do I want to date her or just be her? I’ve always thought, even now when this spiraling problem is at its worst, that I can’t imagine myself dating another girl. I’ve only ever fantasised about boys and have always liked that. To think about a girl like that makes me uncomfortable and I don’t like the idea of it. But from trying to imagine myself with girls it’s like I’ve stopped myself from liking boys almost. I’m just numb. I hate that I can’t find certainty in it.
Another problem is my religion. I believe in Christianity and would call myself a fundamentalist Christian (someone who believes the bible is open to interpretation). my family is accepting of the LGBTQ community and I would label myself as an ally. I’ve read many articles about homosexuality and religion and many talk about context and other factors that say that the religion isn’t against it. I have also read binary points of view. but because of my need of certainty, it would literally take God to float down, look me in the eye and tell me the answer to “is homosexuality a sin?” I pretty much feel that it isn’t based on the maaaaaaaaany articles I have read but, you know, certainty. so I’d say that a big worry in this is “Am I suffering from something such as HOCD or am I in complete denial and using my religion and fear of punishment as a pathetic excuse?” it’s all so screwed up. If anyone could advise me or relate, please let me know that I’m not alone, I’ve only ever found one article regarding HOCD and religion. thank you.
amm0731 said 5 years, 3 months ago:
Hi Francesca03!!
As someone who went through something very similar to your experience with ocd, I know how scary it is. My best advice I can give you is just think “what is the worst that could happen if I wasn’t straight?” And just find other things to distract yourself with. Also, consider getting a therapist or meds, mine help a lot! As for the religion thing, I totally get where you’re coming from, and I also don’t believe homosexuality is a sin. Why would God make someone homosexual if it was a sin? Anyway, I hope this helps!
Best of luck!