The Void

Vicky is a 20 year old, who has fought OCD since the age of 11. She is now volunteering for OCD Action and hopes to become a professional dancer in three years time. She live in London city.

If we didn’t have OCD… What would we do?

I have thought so many times to myself what life would be like without OCD. I guess it’s the same feeling as what other people feel when they’ve found god, such as wondering what heaven would be like. For me it’s more about trying to figure out what’s waiting in the void, the big black hole in the universe. I mean can you really imagine simply NOT being? Or having no control, and most importantly, being okay with that…

Every fighter I have come across with OCD has had a gentle heart, it’s as if we’re like those delicate people who are allergic to sunlight, but the sunlight is our thoughts. We’re not weak, not even breakable, just delicate, and craving certainty…

I think having a mental illness is like driving through life with a hand break on, and when you come to a bridge everyone else’s is fine and yet yours is broken, and they still expect you to Get Over It. I think everyone has a demon, I think the sickness makes us cling onto the fight, the little reward we give ourselves when we manage to not give into a compulsion.

I wonder what awaits for me in a world with no intense desire to want to feel complete certainty and control. I’m not sure I really want to. It’s all I know, the way my mind has trained itself, without my consent. It’s defining the difference between curable and manageable.

What I’m interested in, is if we were offered a different hand, would we take it? If I was told to take the jump, would I really make the fall.. Or is OCD going to be lurking at every corner? I don’t want to hide knives away in the future because I’m terrified I’d kill my baby. And then, I don’t want to fear fear itself.

I’m not sure our demons make us weak, or keep us strong. It’s like every fibre of my emotional and mental well being is alert and on fire all the time. I’m so angry. I’m so happy too. And things just have to be checked more than once. I think our demons keep us alive.

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