The Coaster

November 11th 2019

A guest post written by Jady

One year has passed since I finished my last course of therapy and quite a bit has changed (for the better).

This year I had a big change happen, I had to move house. Last time I moved I was a toddler and I remember none of it. My biggest fear about moving was having ‘new germs’ to contend with. I was concerned that I’d have new compulsions from new thought’s. However, 9 months on and I’ve settled into the new home pretty well. Inf act, since moving I’ve started talking to new people and made new friends. Both my parents have said that they’ve seen a change in that I now seem more happy and outgoing. For the first time in a while I went out with a friend and enjoyed myself, and managed to not act out any compulsions which I only just realised while writing this.

Right now my mental health is a bit of a rollercoaster. I have new things in my life which are affecting me in different ways. One day I could be having more intrusive thoughts and carrying out more compulsions than usual and not knowing how to cope whereas other days I could have less intrusive thought’s not carrying out many compulsions and knowing how to ‘somewhat’ cope. As for opponents to help me out, I still take medication daily and right now I cannot see myself coming off them anytime soon. For the first time in a while the other week I had an intrusive thought that I couldn’t seem to get rid of in public. I felt a state of panic that i’d not felt in a while and in the moment it felt like I forgot how to deal with it, in fact I did. I couldn’t calm myself down. All I could do was tell myself ‘’it will pass, this will pass.’’ It felt like it took a lot longer than usual. However, I managed to ‘ride it out’ (something that my therapist taught me, and something I have not forgotten since) and eventually I felt the anxiety lessen and once I was home I didn’t act upon the compulsions that my thought’s wanted me too.

As far as hand washing goes I personally feel as though the routine has come back, I managed to nail it down quite a bit due to therapy but since moving house it has made a slight return which yes is disappointing but I also need to realise where I was compared to where I am now and as long as I keep an eye on myself and what my compulsions are, I can keep a decent amount of control over it.

As far as my anxiety itself goes, I’ve slowly noticed myself be able to do things on my own. I would usually have someone order food for me at restaurants or go to cashiers for me, where as recently I’ve started doing it by myself. Phone calls and meeting new people haven’t really changed all that much all that much, and I still would rather hide when someone knocks at the door. Regardless of all that, back in August I did something that my anxiety told me I’d never do which was pass my driving test the first time around. It took me roughly 2 years to find a instructor that I felt comfortable with, and someone who understood my anxious thoughts. I’ll never be able to thank my instructor enough for what she did.

Looking back through-out this year, things have happened that I generally thought would not. I’ve still got a lot to work on of course, and I’m still no good at praising myself in anyway shape or form but I know I’ve done pretty well coming as far as I have this year with little help. I hope that next year I’ll be able to do even more unexpected things and keep surprising myself along the way.


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