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Notes: Last active 1 month, 3 weeks ago
This section is open to all. Feel free to say hello, ask questions, and share all your thoughts and feelings about OCD.
Topic Title: I’m confused and I have some questions
5 posts
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waffleswithketchup said 3 years, 11 months ago:
Hi! I’m new here. I was “diagnosed” with OCD a few years ago. I’ve had issues with contamination and harm/hyper responsibility. My trouble isn’t with that.
Some backstory:
I think I’ve had OCD all my life. Ever since I was little, I was washed my hands excessively (I was just scared of getting a cold, not anything serious) as well as other things, like making sure the tags were cut off on my sister’s clothing to make sure I was “warmer” (had more layers on) than she did (I don’t remember the reason behind why I did this). When I got older, I started worrying that some elderly person would get sick and die and it would be my fault. I was also pretty scared of getting a cold around this time, and I got diagnosed. However, at the time of my diagnoses, I was lying to my therapist and making up other symptoms (partially for attention, partially because I didn’t know what to talk about). Anyways, flash forward a couple of years to now, I pretty much was exaggerating my symptoms to all the therapists I had, partially for attention, partially because that’s what I thought they wanted to hear (I know I sound like a terrible person).
Anyhow, obviously I stopped doing lying, and I feel really guilty for doing that before. I’ve mostly come clean to my therapist now, and retook the YBOCS without exaggerating and apparently I still have OCD. I don’t lie to my therapist anymore (actually now, I’m scared I’ll lie to her), but with my parents, it’s another story. It’s like I’m almost subconsciously exaggerating my symptoms when my mom is around. I’m exaggerating my symptoms, but it happens so quickly without me really thinking about it, but I know I’m doing it. Also, it’s weird, I want to be “crazy” and I want to have more severe OCD (note: I don’t enjoy my compulsions, some make my hands bleed and my obsessions aren’t fun either, it’s just I sort of like doing them because then I know I have OCD and I want it). Or, I want to have cancer or another more serious mental illness. For cancer or another mental illness, I don’t actually want it, I just kind of fantasize about it, but for OCD, I actually want a severe version of it. Before you guys say, “Why would you want that? You’re so naive and awful!” please realize, I know that. I feel like a terrible person for wanting that. I feel especially awful because I know that people living with severe OCD hate it and I am so, so, sorry for saying these things. I really hope I didn’t offend anybody. I think it might be because I’m really, really, privileged and it might be just guilt stemming from that (like since I’m so lucky, I don’t know what to do with that guilt and so I want to be less privileged. I know that also sounds horrible!). I also looked up factitious disorder online and I’m really, really, scared and embarrassed I might have that because in my mind, that would make me a bad person (I know that having factitious disorder doesn’t make you a bad person at all, it’s a disorder, but I just feel that way).
Now, my therapist seems to think that my OCD is worse than it actually is and wants me to start medication. I have nothing against medication, but I don’t think I need it, since I haven’t been doing the therapy homework because I forget or don’t try (which is also because I still want to be “sick” or “crazy” or have OCD). I also don’t want medication now, because I did want it before it was suggested to me and I still do want it because I thought/think that it would make me feel “sick” or “special”, not because it would ease the symptoms of my OCD. So I think it would be wrong to accept it now.
As I said before, I exaggerate some symptoms in front of my parents, but I also hide others.
I also don’t tell them how lost I feel, about school/homework and what I’ve said about faking and exaggeration (though not about my actual OCD symptoms).
Now, as I sort of mentioned earlier, I’m scared of exaggerating my OCD or making it worse by reading things online (though I still do because it makes me feel less alone).
Oh gosh, that was really long and probably really confusing. I haven’t talked with my therapist yet about this and I probably should, but I’m embarrassed to.
I just feel really confused, ashamed, and scared. I kind of hate myself right now. Rereading what I’ve written makes me feel awful and really guilty. Please don’t judge me, I’m just looking for some advice or thoughts about what all this might be about. I know what I’ve written and the things I’ve done sound really horrible.
Thanks,
waffleswithketchup
waffleswithketchup said 3 years, 11 months ago:
Clarifying:
Sometimes, the reason that I was scared of getting a cold is because I was scared of missing out on important events, but I don't think it was that reason all the time. Sometimes it was just because I really hate getting sick and I hate my throat hurting.
My therapist right now doesn't know about me wanting to be "crazy"/wanting to have more severe OCD/wanting to take medication. They don't know that the reason I don't do therapy homework is because I want to be "crazy"/want to have more severe OCD. Yes, I know this is messed up.
Pretty much, I just hate what I've done, what I do, what I want, and how I feel. I don't know why I want to have problems.
Maybe part of this is OCD intrusive thoughts, but I know not all of it is. I do truly want to be sick, and I hate that I want that, and that's all not related to my OCD. Maybe it's depression? But I think it might be factitious disorder or something else? Or maybe the attention seeking thing is just part of being a teenager? I really don't know. I just feel really, really guilty and ashamed.
waffleswithketchup said 3 years, 9 months ago:
So, update, I opened up with my therapist. She says me thinking I'm faking my OCD is actually OCD.
She didn't really say much about the rest though, like about me wanting to be sick. But I think I have an answer (or at least possible explanation to that): When you think of your diagnosis as a big part of your identity, then you don't really want to let that go. Also, it probably comes from me not being good at anything else/having passions about things (like sports or art), so I thought that OCD made me "special". And yes, I know, that's terrible to think.
moresunshine said 3 years, 9 months ago:
Hello! I'm sorry this response is so late, but hopefully you see this and it still helps.
While you may truly believe that you want a severe form of OCD, I actually think that your OCD has convinced you that you want a worse form. You've probably had a thought once like "I hope my OCD gets more severe" which wasn't true at all it was just your mind telling you stuff you don't really mean and, because you have OCD, this has become a new obssession. You've become so obsessed with the idea that you might want to have a more severe form of OCD that you've convinced yourself that you do want to have a more severe form. You clearly feel terribly guilty about this, and guilt is one of the main factors of OCD!
Perhaps you could ask your therapist if she thinks this is likely? I'm sorry if this didn't make much sense. I often find that when my OCD gets better, I start to think similar things, even though I absolutely hated how bad my OCD was at the time and was so sad and anxious all the time. I just think it's another form of my obsessive thoughts. It's really hard to determine whether it actually is, but I truly don't think you honestly want to suffer. When I get worried like this I often ask myself: "if you were presented with the choice, would you choose to have a more severe form of OCD, or would you choose to be better?" Sometimes I feel a lot of doubt about what I would choose in relation to this question, as OCD can really mess with you and leaves you unable to understand yourself. But I think this doubt and the stress I feel about whether I really would want a more severe form of OCD indicates that it's just another stupid intrustive feeling or thought.
I'm really sorry if this is unhelpful! Try not to be too hard on yourself about you exaggerating your symptoms when you were younger. Everyone makes mistakes
waffleswithketchup said 3 years, 8 months ago:
That was helpful, thanks! I really hope what I'm thinking are intrusive thoughts and not what I actually want!