OCD Youth

juru said 4 months ago:

hi. this is gonna be long. i’ve never spoken up about my story before to more than my closest friend, so please bear with me.

for the past few months i’ve had this heightened fear that i might have ocd. starting in middle school, i became a perfectionist. my dad and brother described middle school as difficult, so i began putting my best foot forward in order to be a good student. i constantly felt that pressure from *especially* my dad to be a good student so i could be a good daughter. just a normal student, right? when i started high school, i began trying even harder (i’m a junior in high school now). my friends always judge me for putting so much effort into my assignments and projects, always saying, ‘you’re doing too much.’ ‘you’re taking forever to do that.’ and more. i’m doing college classes now too (yes, as a high schooler), and my brother also told me i’m going to end up with bad grades because i spend too much time perfecting things. just a perfectionist, right? but they never understood me when i tried to say it was because i was afraid of getting a bad grade on it and it affecting my overall grade which could cause my dad to get mad at me and take my phone away or something and call me a bad daughter. this paragraph is just so you guys have some background on me.

recently, i was just having a conversation with friends in a groupchat about how ‘every day we are one day closer to our day of death.’ after that, i asked my friends, ‘have you guys ever thought about ways you could die?’ and went on to describe specific scenarios my mind has created in my head (ex. my nails being ripped off one by one, my fingers being cut off segment by segment, being tied down and somehow watching myself being shot by someone, being put on a guillotine, etc.) i thought this was something everyone experienced? but my friend replied with, ‘um, pretty sure those are intrusive thoughts.’ so now i’m wondering, i thought this was normal? this has caused my obsession with wondering whether or not i have ocd to grow. i’d get these type of violent thoughts sometimes at random times of the day, out of nowhere, or while looking at something or using something in particular (ex. a pencil, keys, knives, turning on the stove burner, etc.). it’s weird and idk why it happens.

a few weeks back, when i was sort of at one of these ‘peaks’ of fearing i have ocd, i mustered up courage to ask my closest friend whether or not he thinks i have some sort of mental illness. he told me i have nothing to worry about, that i’m completely fine. i then realized i never told him about my thoughts (this was before the conversation with my friends on the paragraph above). i’m too scared to talk to him about my thoughts because i’m afraid he’ll judge me or think i’m faking it. and that’s also how i feel about all my other friends. i’m too scared to ask them about it because i’m afraid one of them will judge me or tell me i’m overreacting or being too sensitive and therefore want to avoid me or stop being my friend.

i constantly have this fear whenever i’m talking to someone that they’re judging me in their head. i keep thinking they think i’m being stupid for saying something i just said or did, that they won’t want to be my friend, that they’ll avoid me because i made a mistake. i’m even afraid of them thinking i’m faking a mental illness and think i’m a disgusting person. even when talking to my close friends, i get these sort of thoughts. especially after opening up to my closest friend, and him telling me i have nothing to worry about, i keep worrying about it more by the day. i force myself to shut up in conversations in order to avoid losing a friend or something.

sometimes, i open up on my close friends story on instagram when i’m feeling down or upset. however, after a few hours, i typically go back and delete it, fearing someone will judge me, think i’m pathetic, overreacting, too sensitive, and won’t want to be my friend or date me or something.

i’m also afraid to ask my parents. ever since i was little, whenever i was scared of something, (ex. i hated and still hate spiders, would scream at the sight of one), my dad always told me, ‘it’s all in your imagination.’ ‘it’s just in your head.’ ‘you’re overreacting.’ ‘you’re being overly sensitive.’ and now, i’m even more afraid to ask my parents about it, especially my dad. he’s always going off about, ‘you think you have a hard life?’ then scoff and say, ‘you don’t understand what i’ve been through.’ and most recently, he’s worded it this way: ‘you know what i’ve been through. so don’t come to me and say you have a hard life, because your life isn’t hard compared to mine. in fact, it’s easy.’ i can’t go to a professional because of it. idk how to access one.

please note i have not mentioned all details of my story here. there’s more, but typing all this has just fried my brain. it’s too much right now.

is obsessing or whether or not i may have ocd be considered ocd? or am i overreacting? to be quite honest, i’m worried right now that someone who reads this will think i’m just overreacting. i don’t know what to do with myself. please tell me if i’m losing my mind.

plzhelpmeimlosingthewilltolive2312 said 11 hours, 50 minutes ago:

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