- Notice: You must be logged in to view this area. Not registered? Sign up here!
Support Forum
Support
Public Group
Notes: Last active 2 years, 4 months ago
If you need any help or advice then feel free to post them here and we’ll try to help!
Topic Title: 13 year old male with hocd – some adult stuff mentioned
11 posts
← Support Forum Return to Groups
turtlepro said 5 years, 7 months ago:
Ok,so ive ended up here after i realised that you need to be 16 to make an account on ocd action and am aware that there are many people here younger than i am. What I am going to talk about will involve some adult talk which to be honest I probably shouldn’t have experienced at my age but I was exposed to it at a young age. I don’t know how old the moderators are but I’m assuming they are older than me. This post is written for them as of the stuff mentioned but if you are my age or older please read on.
So about a month and a half ago a teenage event happened involving my dogs tongue and my nether region occurred. After a few seconds are immediately stopped, showered and told my parents. I had never been able to talk openly about sexual stuff with my parents but the guilt i felt was so immense that i had to let them know.
After 3-4 days of recovery I was starting to feel better but suddenly got the thought, “what if I’m gay?”. I had this many times before with no reason behind it, just like this time, but on this occasion became worried. I decided to go on youtube and search,”signs your gay apart from attraction”,because I had never had feelings for men,only women. What I found was about something to do with the length of the ring finger and the index finger (btw mine are the same height) and I started to worry, I even think I got them mixed up. Anyway,the anxiety began to build with thoughts like,”you’re obviously gay”, coming all the time. Eventually I decided to put it to the test and used Google images to compare naked bodies of both sexes to see which one gave me,’physical male arousal’. The answer was neither. I started looking online and talking to my parents about it as a way of relieving stress. To start with checking online once or talking/confessing would get rid of anxiety for the rest of the day but I’m now at the point where I’m anxious most of the time unless I’m talking or reading online.
Anyway after a week of,what I hope to be,hocd I had about a week and a half of pocd after receiving an intrusive thought of me molesting my younger brother. It was bad. For example I nearly had a panic attack in a zoo on my brothers birthday and acturly did have one in a shoe shop with loads of kids running around. I won’t go into detail as it’s gone now but I’m feeling ill just writing about it.
After the pocd the hocd came back and is still going now. I had a couple of days obsessing over that I could be a psychopath or a sociopath. I would do endless amounts of tests and always get the same answer, not a psychopath but I continued to worry because I felt guilty for stuff I’d done over the years such as squishing bugs when I was younger and even a few times not that long ago (on purpose) and times when I’d lie to get out of trouble and injure my brother without feeling guilt and i’d rarely be able to finish something that takes longer than a couple of days. I’ve confenssed to my parents too about all of the stuff I’d done including stealing money from my dad’s pot of coins about a year ago (he is a policeman).The worst thing in my opinion is when id deny everything else i did and waited until my brother would take the blame and get in trouble when i knew i did it and at the time felt no guilt.I admit everything I did was wrong and promise to never do it again.
Anyway back to the hocd. It got worse and the thoughts developed into my brain telling me things like,”he’s hot”. These thoughts were deeply worrying because my brain was saying that for almost every man on the street and up until recently every person my brain said that to was obviously not attractive but occasionly I could tell that a man was attractive. When I did I was really scared as I thought this meant I wanted to have sex with them (I didn’t). I got so worked up over things like that my brain started telling me I obviously had a crush on them (yet again I didnt). I’ve learnt to tell my brain that I can tell that a man is attractive because I wish that I looked like them but don’t want to have sex with them because I’m not Gay. I think this even when a man is not obviously attractive but my brain makes me think that I’m lying to myself about how I find them attractive when I’m telling myself I don’t.
So that about concludes what I have to say. I just want know if you guys think I’m a straight guy with hocd or a gay person In denial. Below I have included some extra information to help you determine.
Both my parents have OCD.
When I talk to them both parents have made it clear that they don’t think I’m gay but if it turns out I am they will still love and support me as much as they did before.
I’ve ONLY (not even a one off) ever had crushes and sexual fantasies for girs. Ever since I went to secondary school I’ve been almost unable to talk to them unless they talk to me first because I probably wanted to have sex with them.
A few months before the anxiety started I watched the film borat. There is a scene where 2( fat, ugly, hairy) men are fighting naked (their genital regions are blured out) and at one point the film makes it look like they are aggressively doing 69(the sex position). It is very over the top however I received an erection. I was so anxious I turned the film off before it finished. I am aware arousal can be caused just because of sexual themes and this was a one off.
I have never been into stereotypically girly things apart from these occasions. Before I went to preschool I liked pink but as soon as I found out that it was girly I went right off of it. Also when I was ten I liked unicorns and got a unicorn onesie but chose a blue one over a pink one.
I dont sound camp but my brain keeps telling me i do aswell as i ofter have to change the way im laying/sitting because my brain tells me i look camp.
I have only ever had male friends.
I was exposed to pornography at the age of 11 and have been addicted to watching it and masturbating for over a year. I am often watching solo female porn and using my hand to cover the man and his manhood to see if I can still climax, I can.
I often find myself repeating in my head or out loud things like ,”im not gay”, and ,”its just a thought”.
A girl I used to have a crush on came out as lesbian and a boy I occasionally hung out with came out as gay and i am supportive.
As mentioned above I am completely fine with others being homosexual just not me because I don’t think I am.
My parents took me to the doctors because they found me with a noose around my neck.
Im constantley getting images and videos in my head of homosexual sex which I try to remove immediately but my brain tells me that I’m denying that I enjoy them (i dont). One time I decided to let it play out because my mum told me to do so and I got a semi.this caused severe anxiety. Also the gay thoughts have only ever been there since the anxiety began.
My brain often tells me that I don’t really find the opposite sex attractive even though I got a crush on a new female teacher just a few days ago.
Thank you for reading. Please also let me know if you think I’m a psychopath from what I said earlier. I fell guilty now btw. Any questions please ask.
jennifer1722 said 5 years, 7 months ago:
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time at the moment but well done for asking for help. Did anything come from the time you went to the doctors? OCD is a treatable illness and you are entitled to a therapy called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) for free on the NHS. If that wasn't offered to you, how would you feel about going back and asking for it?
CBT will involve you identifying and resisting your compulsions, letting the anxiety pass on its own instead of trying to fight it. Compulsions are anything you to do try to fight the thoughts, such a asking for reassurance, checking for a reactions to male/female/children, avoiding triggering places or people, doing online tests, and mentally making lists of all the reasons you're not gay. Essentially, CBT involves leaving your thoughts completely alone and refusing to react to them.
CBT works because compulsions keep intrusive thoughts at the front of your mind. If you leave the thoughts alone, they'll fade away but right now you're keeping them there. I know it feels like all those actions are helping you but they're actually making you worse. Does that make sense?
jennifer1722 said 5 years, 7 months ago:
That's great that you've been offered CBT. Unfortunately, there are always waiting lists on the NHS but the referral is a really good start. Would you consider trying CBT on your own while you wait, now you know what it is?
jennifer1722 said 5 years, 7 months ago:
Your school was going to do CBT? That sounds good if they've got someone qualified to do that but make sure they do! Seeing a certified CBT therapist is iportant because a bad therapist or the wrong type of therapy can make things worse.
jennifer1722 said 5 years, 7 months ago:
It's really good that the school is interested in helping you but please do check with the therapist once you meet them that it's CBT. A SENCO (it stands for special education need coordinator) is not a doctor or mental health professional, and a counsellor is not the same as a CBT therapist. In fact, counselling has been found to make OCD worse.
It might be that this person is a CBT therapist being called a counsellor for simplicity but they could also be completely unqualified to help you so be careful. It might help to read what I said about CBT above and make sure your new therapist does that with you. If they're just asking you about your feelings and not asking you to change your behaviour then they're not doing CBT.