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Topic Title: Afraid to Draw and Imagine [warning: sexually intrusive thoughts!]
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Deleted User said 5 years, 6 months ago:
Hello,
(Note: I am an adolescent in high school),
So, I have had violent and sexually deviant/inappropriate sexual thoughts since last year. These thoughts come up involuntarily and have included pedophilia, murder, suicide, rape, and groinal responses. These thoughts are unpleasant, and I’ve had few period of which because my anxiety related to the thoughts has gone down, I freaked out and thought I became my thoughts. These have caused me endless guilt, shame, anxiety, tremors, and uncertainty. I can’t even look at children anymore. I cannot get angry at my family anymore. I cannot even enjoy my sexuality anymore because these thoughts will sometimes appear out of nowhere and make me wonder if I liked them or not.
Also, I am going to start CBT in a week or two. I am on 10 mg of escitalopram (which I’m thinking is not being effective since it is my 8th week in and I still have large spikes of anxiety). I wake up every morning with anxiety that keeps me up. I go throughout the day with very depressing or distressing thoughts.
One of my more recent distressing thoughts has withheld me from one of my passions–drawing. Everytime I think I want to draw something, my mind immediately jumps to questioning me: “Are you going to draw pedo stuff? Are you going to draw your sick sexual thoughts and like them?” Even now, it causes me fear. Since these thoughts started, I have put down my sketchbook and pencil for about three weeks.
In addition, I cannot fathom thinking anymore. I have this fun pasttime (that is an overstatement) of listening to music and imagining characters going along with the music. Before, this used to be something fun, but now, it is a race to stop myself from getting pedophilic/deviant intrusive thoughts. This has made me question myself because I did think up the initial fantasy (the one that preceded the deviant thoughts), but my mind seems to morph it into something deviant. I have stayed away from listening to music on the bus or have even controlled my imagination to just bring up abstract shapes to stop myself form experiencing the thoughts.
Even in my sexual fantasies, these thoughts slip through. I make sure that the people that I imagine are extra muscular, tall, and have no indication of “looking like a child” and that they have deeper voices so that I don’t get some crazy claim from my brain that I only like them because they look like a child. I also prefer having cuter fantasies, but then my mind twists the essence of cute into something seemingly indicative of me being a deviant.
Lastly, I might add that I have pretty much given up on my immediate family for help. I deconverted from Christianity about a year ago, and my parent claimed that my OCD was just a tool for me to “get back to God.” I thought it absurd since I had this even when I was a Christian. No offense to any of those who are Christian, but this really hurt me and has played in my head to torment me, almost as if I have nowhere to go. I just have to wait for my parents to take me to therapy. I am even afraid of them just letting up my therapy and taking me to church instead.
jennifer1722 said 5 years, 6 months ago:
I'm sorry to hear you're suffering from OCD but well done for asking for help. CBT is the recommended treatment for OCD and most people make a good success rate so it sounds like you're on the right track
Anxiety medication is sometimes used alongside CBT to reduce anxiety enough to properly engage with therapy but OCD is mora than just anxiety so CBT is important too. Don't feel disheartened when you haven't started the work yet!
CBT should involve you identifying the ways you react to your intrusive thoughts (compulsions) and resisting the urge to do them. It's tough at first but gets easier the more you practice. Avoidance is a very common compulsion so it sounds like you have already identified lots of that!
Unfortunately, it's pretty common to have family/friends that don't understand. Most people let their intrusive thoughts pass without reacting to them at all so they never grow as strong and upsetting as yours have. Lots of people don't even realise that they're intrusive thoughts. You can always get support here though, or contact youthhelpline@ocdaction.org.uk.
There are also monthly support groups with a facilitator if you're over 16.