OCD Youth

teawithsugar said 3 years, 6 months ago:

Hi, so I’m 16 and cisgender female. I’ve posted on here before about the root of my problem so you can read that for context (if you would like).
I’m worried that because I’m not worried it means i dont care, and I saw something that said that real p*dos wouldn’t worry about being one, so that’s something I’m thinking about at the moment.
Also, I remembered one time – I was about 11/12 – and I was with my “boyfriend” at a park, and I was SET on the idea of having my first kiss. It’s quite stupid but I kept scooting towards him, and he moved away. I did this a couple of times and even though I didnt touch him I still feel like I made him uncomfortable. What if I had a lasting affect on him?
Also, when I was 13, I had a school trip. We stayed in these rooms and I was with a bunch of girls, one of which was more developed than one might imagine a 13 year old would be. We were all talking about “girly” stuff and I asked my friend if I could touch her breast. I completely forgot this happened and I cant remember if I actually did or not. I felt weird about it so I asked her (she is my best friend) and she said that she honestly did not remember that happening. It’s worse because she told me something that a boy did without her consent, and I feel like I’ve made everything worse.
I cant remember if I did anything bad and I don’t know if that is worse or not.
And, I cant remember if i have said this on here or not but i “tested” once, not on anything illegal, and I had a huge gro*nal response that went on for about 40seconds. I have a horrible feeling that I enjoyed it because I had thoughts like this is your only time to be who you truly are and afterwards I felt nothing. This was last year. What if I am one? What if I’m faking having a problem just to cover up for being bad?
I feel like a cant talk to a doctor because they will automatically think I am one, but then again I feel like I should deserve everything bad to happen to me if I am – I know this is weird but for a while I felt like I deserve to be r*ped because I’m a bad person. Again, I dont know if that was for attention or not, even though I never told anyone that.
I want to be normal so badly, my mum says I just overthink things but I feel like it is more than that. Its becoming so much of a problem that I don’t feel anything about it anymore, there is just a constant reminder in my head of it.
And I recently have to pinch myself or hit myself In the head when I get a thought I dont like. I feel like if I dont do it, it means that I want the thought. It’s the same for gro*nal responses too. And I have to feel like I’m trying to get the thought out of my head, by moving my head pr something. This is only recent though and I dont know if I’m faking it or not.
If anyone has some advice please help, at the moment reassurance isn’t helping (it feels like a cycle, I get worried, ask someone, they say I’m fine, I’m fine, and then I get worried again)

moresunshine said 3 years, 5 months ago:

Hello, I hope you're feeling a bit better now

Firstly, I'm going to address you claiming you aren't worried. The fact that you keep thinking about the possiblity of you being a p*do because you feel like you aren't worried suggests you actually are worried, even if it doesn't feel like it. OCD has a way of convincing people they feel a certain way, so it's just convincing you that you don't feel worried, when you clearly do. If you didn't feel worried, you wouldn't have asked for help on here!

Secondly, you shouldn't dwell on what happened with the boy. You were a CHILD, and you didn't even kiss! Also, when you were 13 you ASKED your friend if you could touch her, you didn't just touch her without her permission, so you didn't do anything wrong. I know giving reassurance makes OCD feel worse, but it seems like you're really dwelling on these situations when you don't need to. If you ever feel anxious about these situations again, rather than asking for reassurance you just need to try and tolerate these situations being in your head. Otherwise, thinking about them will just make the anxiety worse and may even cause you to make the situations seem worse than they are. 

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing so much anxiety. Testing yourself is a completely normal indication of POCD, and any thoughts that entered your head during or after it do not reflect who you are. It was the OCD. But don't test yourself again, not because it makes you a bad person, but because it can really make the anxiety and OCD worse, leading to more intrusive thoughts!

You definitely shouldn't be hitting or pinching yourself, and please try to work on combatting this. There's no need for you to hurt yourself. No matter what you're mind is telling you, you aren't faking and you aren't a bad person. Even if you feel like you really have to, try just to sit with the thoughts in your head without hurting yourself. Try to distract yourself with something you enjoy, or even something boring like school work. I'm sorry I can't give any better advice. 

The thought of telling a doctor can be really scary, as doctors aren't always well educated on all the subtypes of OCD. Perhaps you could request one who has a lot of knowledge on OCD, or maybe you could tell a family member or friend first? Start by getting them to research POCD, and then talk to them about it, as this can help avoid any misunderstandings. 

I know I've mostly given reassurance, but it does make OCD worse so try to make this one of the last times you receive it! It will be very difficult and you're bound to slip up, I have lots of times. If your OCD involves compulsions, than exposing yourself to the thing you're scared of will be really beneficial, but if it's more pure o than understanding why you're having these thoughts may be better. It would be great if you could find a doctor you'd feel comfortable speaking to about this, as they would be able to direct you to the right treatment  

I hope this helps in some way!