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Notes: Last active 2 years, 3 months ago
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Topic Title: Did I do something bad and forget?
2 posts
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Deleted User said 4 years, 2 months ago:
Ive been questioning a memory I have for about 6 months because im afraid that what Im picturing in my head actually happened. I read some innapropriate stories a couple of years ago when I was 12-13 that had involved kids. I didnt actively search these things out nor did I actually wish to read them for fun, I believe I read them out of curiosity. However, now Im terrified that isnt the case at all and that I had actually enjoyed these stories, even though I remember associating disgust with them. I only read two stories I believe that did have kids in them, and I never went back to them nor have I thought of them. The “memory” had come so strongly out of the blue and made me so afraid that Im terriied that I could have liked these stories. There’s moments where I can so clearly say that I would never do something like that, but I also have moments where Im so deep in despair that I contemplate suicide. I dont want to be a bad person, I dont want to be a pedophile or any kind of person attracted to kids. I have always been disgusted by anyone who was attracted to kids and was always conscious about the pedophilia. I used to watch a lot of PSA on youtubes and some of them featured Child Sex Abuse and they made me uncomfortable because I couldnt imagine someone actually being attracted to children. I remember finding other stories that had involved kids too and I couldnt bring myself to read them, but I would read the comments and it always horrified me. I have also spoken actively before how I cant stand people like that and they disgust me, I even told my friend I would never support glee or watch it because of that one actor who had been arrested for cp. It seems so illogical that I would ever do this when Ive always been so against it. But now my brain is twisting information in my head to make it seem plausible that I could have in fact been aroused by these stories and just have suppressed it for 2 years, and thought everything was fine with it too. Im so tired and exhausted of thinking this way and its so hard to tell myself that I wouldnt do this because I dont think I can trust myself anymore. I havent been diagnosed with OCD but I have had OCD symptoms in the past and I just someone, anybody to tell me that what Im experiencing is hopefully just a false memory. Thank you for reading.
Zoe Chater said 4 years, 2 months ago:
Hi there- moderator here!
I am really sorry to hear that you have been experiencing intrusive thoughts and stress at the moment- it sounds horrible and I hope that I can help as much as I can with the information I have and with some support.
Firstly, if at any point you're feeling suicidal, we strongly suggest you call the Samaritans, who are always here to help you.The Samaritans are a charity available 24 hours a day offering a free confidential listening service to people in distress. They offer support to anyone who needs someone to talk to. The volunteers at the Samaritans are not professional counsellors, but will listen to you, not judge you in any way and they offer complete confidentiality. Their number is 116 123. You can also email them at: jo@samaritans.org. Always remember you are not alone in this and there is always support around. So many people are in the same situation as you and know what you are feeling- you can see this just by looking on the forum.
In terms of whether you may have OCD, it is important to mention that we are not medically trained at OCD Action and so I am not able to give you a diagnosis, but I am able to provide you with the information that I have of OCD. It might be firstly important for me to explain to you what OCD is in detail to help to see whether you shows similar symptoms. OCD stands for obsessive-compulsive disorder. The obsessions are intrusive and unwanted thoughts that people experience, causing them extreme anxiety. The compulsions relate to behaviours that OCD sufferers perform in order to reduce the anxiety that accompanies the intrusive thoughts. I will leave a link below containing more information about OCD:
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/resource/what-is-obsessive-compulsive-disorder
If you are curious as to whether you have OCD, the first step you may want to take is to see the GP., where they can ask you some questions and then decide whether you have a diagnosis of OCD or not. If you are under 16, you will need to bring your parent/carer along with you. This will hopefully help to calm your worrying caused by not knowing whether you have OCD or not. From this, if they decide that you do have a diagnosis of OCD, they can help you by informing you of the different treatments.
Please remember you are never alone and feel free to continue to use this forum for support and help,
Best wishes,
Zoe