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Topic Title: do i have POCD or am i just a disgusting person
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itsteaveetime said 3 years, 8 months ago:
In the past week or two I’ve been plagued with disgusting thoughts about kids. Young kids. I’m 14, biologically female, and I live in the UK.
I have 8 siblings, 6 of which are under 8, and I love them dearly. However, this all started because I thought of my younger sister in a disgusting scenario. It’s been constantly on my mind now since then, and I’ve genuinely considered doing something to hospitalise, or kill myself. I’m sobbing as I type this.
I don’t know why it’s happening. I’ll be scrolling through facebook to see what someone I know posted and I see pictures of people when they were kids, pictures of people who are currently kids, babies even, and I feel this overwhelming weight in the pit of my stomach (whether that’s guilt, anxiety or disgust, I’m not sure, but it’s definitely negative, and it’s definitely convincing me I don’t deserve to be here), and have come very close to throwing up because of my reaction to them; arousal. It’s sickening, terrifying, the world doesn’t need pedophiles like me.
I would never do anything to a child, but the thoughts of me doing exactly that are becoming more constant. I feel disgusting.
I did what I now know is the worst thing possible in this situation and googled pictures of kids, toddlers, babies, etc. All medical, I wouldn’t encourage pictures of abuse or purposely sexualised children. I did it to convince myself there’s no attraction, that there’s no reaction what so ever. Again, there was a reaction, and again, I’m starting to wonder if I should just end it all. The world would be better without me. I was telling myself over and over “No, you can’t feel that, it’s disgusting, you’re disgusting, stop thinking like that, stop it.” But I couldn’t. I spent hours hunched over a toilet, coming so close to puking. I want it to stop, I don’t want to be feeling this way.
I’ve been researching like mad since it started, looking for reassurance that I’m not a monster. I came across the term POCD, and as much as I want to believe it’s what’s happening, I can’t convince myself fully that it is. Looking at it logically, it makes sense, but my brain won’t let me think I’m anything other than a dirty pedophile now.
I also tried avoidance, which again I’ve now learnt isn’t the right thing to do, but I couldn’t see any other solution at that moment. Exposure is terrifying to me, especially because every time I see a kid, no matter what, my mind always goes back to “You’re attracted to them, you sick disgusting pedo.” And the cycle starts again.
I went out to the shops with my nan on Friday, and like most people my age, fell in love with a boy who looked about my age, probably a year older, that I saw walking past. That was good reassurance for a few minutes, until we got home, when the sick feeling and guilt and the reaction to the thought of kids and kids I saw on tv started again, as did the planning of my own suicide.
It got worse that night, too. I was watching a show with my nan, and there was a pregnant lady. I checked to see if there was an arousal, already sickened. And when I checked, there was a response. A response to an unborn baby. That is despicable. I heavily considered suicide that night. I’ve now read that it could’ve been because I was looking for a reaction, but I’m scared it’s not.
I can’t tell anyone, and thus, can’t get help. Even if I did have a family member I thought would understand, I can’t imagine a doctor or even a therapist understanding this at all, and telling me it’s not OCD, it’s just my messed up, disgusting mind.
I doubt it’s POCD reading this back. It sounds too disgusting. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. Before this I was attracted to grown women and men, but I went to look at porn to reassure myself, but I checked for a reaction and there was nothing. I was telling myself I had to feel something, there wasn’t an other option. I clicked on a video, and that did get a reaction, but I’m disgusted to admit it wasn’t as strong a reaction than I’ve recently been having to the thoughts of children. I don’t know what to do. I’m shaking, crying, and mostly just sickened as I go to post this.
I’m sorry I’m so sorry. Please someone help me.