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Topic Title: dread about my thoughts – am i in denial (GRAPHIC)
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suffocation said 3 years, 9 months ago:
before i start off, i will say some things about me. I’m 18 now; born 2002. i am male. I have a supportive family like most lucky people have. I remember being told at a young age that i think “too deep” or that i think too intensely. And that has worried me always.
Now about my thoughts. Yes, ive had intrusive thoughts but not like average ones. Some of them more intense than others. These have spanned from violent and aggressive, to sexual and taboo. It’s like a trigger mechanism whenever i see or do something. So, this is partly why tended to stay from certain things and avoid situations. Because of this, ive mostly avoided looking after kids, up until now.
Ive heard about pocd before – for most of my youth, i always knew that there was something wrong and that i needed help. Like a scenario would play in my head as to whether I did the wrong thing or not. I was never aroused the thoughts, in fact i would usually get slight stomach aches whenever it happened. I do know that I did have an attraction for older women, and then older men a bit later. During my first year in high school, i was trying to figure out who i was and what i really wanted. i was bullied a bit for being “gayish”.So I assumed I was gay so I started masturbating to men and I guess i wasn’t “not aroused”.
I remember once a girl i knew in 9th grade asked me jokingly if i was a pedo – which triggered me a lot. Like what if she was right? Am i this or that? Technically, it wasnt the first or last time that i would feel that way. I actually used to self harm at that time, possibly triggered by my thoughts.That’s when i decided to move schools, mostly because i didn’t feel “happy” at my old school. Unfortunately, things were not different at my new one. I had difficulty adjusting at first, ’cause i knew so many people from middle school there. But instead of just settling in, i distanced myself further from people after my dad tried to abuse my mum. It took a real toll on my mental health. I started to get paranoid, and had thoughts where i believed people were out to get me or that i might turn out like my dad (or worse). It got so bad, that i had a breakdown in the middle of the class. I got sent to a youth center for a while because of that. Got diagnosed with psychosis and went straight back to school.
Up till now, you would assume i’d really had a breaking point. However it doesnt end there. Around the beginning of this year, before my birthday and the quarantine, i used to be friends with someone. I met them online, and assumed they were my age. But while talking I found out they were some 3 years younger. I was alarmed at first, but they seemed friendly, so we used to talk now and then. A couple of times we called each other, and all we talked about was casual teenage things. In my mind, I kept thinking this wasn’t right, and that I should stop contact altogether, but i shrugged it off. Then, one morning, I woke up to this horrid feeling/memory about me having a weird arousal fantasy about that person. Almost seemed like a realistic fever dream – . Most of what i remember of that night is me feeling guilty about something, and that i was telling myself that I’m a monster. Maybe a part of me is, i wonder. What if i liked it? i went back to self harm again. And then quarantine came along and worsened the situation, considering i was holed up in my room for hours on end. Then after a while self-harm just didn’t seem enough, so i stopped after a while. And now i’m here
What should I say? I’m feeling sorry and guilty? YES i do. But that doesnt excuse my behavior and thoughts, does it? I know that. I’ve been around so many people who love me, possibly look up to me. BUT inside i feel like a disgusting creep who shouldnt be around people. What terrifies me is that I think i might end up actually harming someone. That is what scares me the most. Honestly, whether I am a pervert or not, I’m just fucking tired of the anxiety and lingering dread. I don’t know what to do. So if anyone can read this, say anything if you feel the same.
suffocation said 3 years, 9 months ago:
p.s I stopped talking to this person altogether. I decided the best thing was to stop contact. Can someone please tell me what I might be going through?
moresunshine said 3 years, 9 months ago:
Hello! I hope you’ve been coping okay these past few days. I’m so sorry to hear about how much your struggling. I understand your feeling of tiredness around it all. My OCD has been worse since quarantine, and I just want the thoughts to stop. It’s clear from what you’ve written that you aren’t a pedophile. I know you’ll still have doubts about it, but you aren’t. You clearly feel extremely guilty for having these thoughts, thoughts which you can’t help. If you truly were a pedophile, you wouldn’t have tried to avoid children. And you won’t turn out abusive like your father. You’re a good person, which is why you worry so much about being a bad one.
Also, you talking to somebody a few years younger than you doesn’t make you a pedophile. I promise. That ‘weird fantasy’ you had was definitely triggered by your fear of being a pedophile, not because you were actually attracted to the person. And even if you were attracted to the person, they’re only a few years younger than you, not a young child. I know to you this must all sound so unlikely and not true, but that’s just your OCD trying to convince you that you are a bad person. But you’re not.
Unfortunately, the more focus we place on our thoughts, the more they come back. Because you’ve spent so much time worrying about these thoughts, it means they come back quickly and worse. I suggest maybe not obsessing over the thoughts as soon as you have them. For example, say you have an intrusive thought about being a pedophile, don’t react to it immediately. Just do something for five minutes, and then you can carry out any compulsions which make you feel better, whether they’re in your mind or not (but please try your best not to self harm! I know it’s so hard, but you truly are a good person who doesn’t deserve what they’re going through. But if you do self harm, please don’t feel bad about it or feel like a failure. Everyone has setbacks. Don’t beat yourself up). Gradually increase the time for each intrusive thought when you feel comfortable. Hopefully, you’ll find that not addressing them lessens the anxiety eventually, and the amount the thoughts occur.
I hope this could help you in some way. But even if it doesn’t, just know that there are people who are going through the same thing you are. We understand
recoveryroad said 3 years, 9 months ago:
I know EXACTLY where you're coming from!! you are not alone, i have POCD harm thoughts of harming my loved ones, thats just the thing with ocd, its really sneaky and makes you question yourself. at the end of the day, its not the fact that you are a bad person (I'm sure you're not) its more the fact that you have a shame problem and you're not confident with what type of person you are. Due to my POCD, my anxiety got so bad at some point, that Ive gotten used to having these thoughts and don't get much anxiety from my thoughts anymore which makes me question if i'm actually starting to turn into a bad person if that makes sense? i'm starting cbt(cognitive behavioural therapy) next week, try looking into cbt, there have been many people who have successfully recovered from intrusive thoughts thanks to it.
hope this helps!! best of luck !!
suffocation said 3 years, 8 months ago:
hey me again. Ive been thinking a lot about what happened and to be quite frank nothing much has changed. I'm still having these worries that I could be a rapist. I honestly just feel like not doing anything most days. Now that I think about it, I remembered more about that night some time ago – I think I was trying to get off that night and as I continued to get off, the thought of that person just came around and almost as if I encouraged it. It's just like you said- the more I think about it, the more worse it feels.