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Topic Title: I think I’m a germophobe
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Deleted User said 5 years, 6 months ago:
Hi there. My name’s Erin, and for the msot part I’m pretty chilled out and carefree. However, over the last few months, I’ve had this obsession with cleanliness and dirt. No matter what I do or where I go I always feel like I’m not clean enough. I shower every single morning before school, and very intensely.
I’ll wash my hands twice at the very least, upwards of three of four times on bad days. Then I brush my teeth, making sure I hit every single tooth perfectly. I do the tops of my bottom teeth for thirty seconds, then my tops, then work around my braces on both rows for thirty seconds apiece. Then I’ll scrub around a bunch for good measure and use mouthwash. (One of my big fears is cavities. I go out of my way to avoid sugary feeling things like rock sweets and full sugar drinks, and the rare times I do have them I’ll at the very least swill mouthwash)
Once I’ve brushed my teeth, I shower. Oh, showering. Heaven for stopping my compulsions, hell for how I have to clean every nook and cranny. I start with shampooing, making sure I get the little bits of shaven hair on my temples (I have short hair) and scrubbing at my scalp until my fingers and my scalp itself hurt like hell. I’m never quite happy but I have to get to school, so I rinse it. Then I apply conditioner, spreading it everywhere before making the shower colder and rinsing it off.
The shower stays cold as I use an exfoliant scrub (Saint Ives apricot at the moment. I know it’s bad for me and they test on animals but my dad likes it so it’s that or nothing.) I put emphasis on my greasy, horrible, disgusting nose before going to my less-than-dry cheeks. Then I’ll get a little on my forehead and wash it off. After that it’s a simple soap, followed by an aloe vera foaming soap on bad days.
After that, it’s my stupid brain’s favourite part and my least favourite part. My body. If I’ve had a bowel movement since my last shower, I’ll use hand soap on that area (So as to avoid my parents wondering why the body wash goes so fast) and wash my hands at least twice again while in the shower. Not feeling like I’ve cleaned that area or my hands enough, I’ll move on anyway. I’ll get body wash, placing emphasis on my armpits and, most of all, my back. This is where I get sticky/sweaty (Even more than my hellish face, somehow). I’ll clean my whole body like this, then wash my back and neck again. Then I’ll do my thighs and feet before rinsing off (Avoiding my hair. No conditioner grease on my body thankyouverymuch) and leaving the shower.
Now it’s time to dress! On weekend or break I get to put on jeans that I change once-twice a week (Not enough, but my mum would kill me if I wore a clean pair daily. She hates having seven shirts a week as is.) I’ll also put on a nice clean shirt and a clean bra. (For some reason, black bras feel cleaner than white ones. Not enough to be a problem, but enough for me to gravitate to black ones.)
On school days, I have to put on my trousers (That I change once a week if I’m lucky and get so gross and grubby) a white blouse that is automatically gross despite being washed for some reason (I think school makes me feel contaminated) and a jumper (See trouser problem).
Then I blow dry and style my hair. I use hairspray, which is great on days my hair cooperates and the most vile thing ever when I have to reapply it or use a lot. After that, it’s chilling out or going out (If it’s town then fun but ew, shower shower shower). If I walk to school, I’ll feel a little grosser already
School makes me feel vile. No matter what. All the people with poor hygeine, the toilets not being cleaned enough and being left unflushed. All the sick students and germs on the tables and sticky patches. On Mondays and Wednesdays the sweat from PE, on Tuesdays and Thursdays the sweat from Drama. Fridays are still gross because I’m in that hellhole. (I do have a chance of transferring elsewhere, but I am kinda happy with my friends.)
If I go out I’ll take a shower when I get home. (If I stay home or I’ve gone somewhere I don’t feel contaminated it’s a rare one shower day. For example, a local wildlife park I frequent is a safe place.) I try my best to ignore my hair but I’ll put a minimal amount of extra hairspray on if I need to to return my hair to shape. Then it’s time to put on a shower cap.
Now, we repeat the face and body rituals from earlier.
Then it’s clean clothes or clothes I’ve only worn for an hour or so a few days ago (Very, very rarely. Sorry mum’s ironing pile, clean clothes ftw.) I’ll listen to musical theatre until I need to sleep. Then, rinse and repeat!!!
It isn’t just the rituals, though. If I walk past a toilet or bathroom I WILL wash my hands. My hands are cracked and dry and very, very painful nowadays from my obsessive washing. They used to be soft and actually quite pleasant to touch.
I adore hugs and affection but if I have bare skin or I’m aware the person hasn’t showered that day I will refuse to touch them. My little sister is affected most. She only showers bi daily. I once sprayed febreeze on her because she demanded a goodnight hug. I felt so guilty but I didn’t know what to do.
My dad gets annoyed because I’ll force in a second shower with a cap when there really isn’t much time for it. He doesn’t quite understand that if I don’t shower when I feel contaminated I’ll feel utterly miserable and maybe even cry, which in turn makes me hot and sticky and grosser. He just thinks it’s a quirk, and assumes that OCD is all numbers and tidy rooms, not hand washing and breakdowns.
My friends think I’m crazy for showering so much. At the end of last year we went to a swimming pool with our school and I planned everything around showering. I held off showering that morning (Ew ew EW), got out twenty minutes early and showered at the pool. Nobody else went to those lengths.
If I really can’t take a second shower when I need to I’ll put body wash on my back and arms then wipe it off with a towel. It isn’t ideal but I no longer feel (as) contaminated, and it’ll make the compulsions go away if I feel my back being not-sticky enough.
That’s a other thing. If my hands are clean enough or I’ve made any physical effort, I’ll lightly touch my back to see if I’m sticky/sweaty. People ask me what I’m doing sometimes. I lie and say it’s an itch, but I’m still uncomfortable.
It’s hell. No matter what I do or where I go I’m always greasy or sweaty and one day someone will get sick of hanging around with someone as dirty as me. Either that or they’ll get sick of me trying to be so clean. I worry constantly they might see the light reflecting off my skin and mistake it for sweat. I worry that if someone nearby smells they’ll think it’s me.
Showering and staying clean is all-consuming. I never used to be like this. It’s an endless spiral and whenever I don’t wash my hands the yelling in my head telling me to will grow and grow until it reaches a crescendo, where it will stay until I clean myself. It affects me and everyone around me, and I want to get help but my dad is very immature about mental health issues and will think I’m just overthinking. OCD for me is cleaning myself always, not tidying my room. Please,help me with managing my compulsions or self helping as I can’t get proper help (yet).
jennifer1722 said 5 years, 6 months ago:
I'm sorry to hear you're suffering from suspected OCD but well done for asking for help. The good news is that OCD is a treatable illness and most people make a good recovery with the right treatment and hard work.
The recommended treatment for OCD is called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). It involves resisting your compulsions, sitting with the anxiety this causes until it goes away on it's own. It's hard to do at first and will make you feel rally uncomfortable but it gets easier the more you practice until eventually it won't make you cry.
CBT is best done with a certified CBT therapist but, if that's not an option for you at the moment, self-help does work for some people. There are support services at OCD Youth that can help while you do CBT, such as helplines (youthhelpline@ocdaction.org.uk) and support groups. Do you want to talk about why you don't think you can get professionsl help yet? Maybe we can find a way to deal with what ever is stopping you