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Topic Title: I’m broken. I think I’m just a P in denial.
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coffeeautomaton said 3 years, 10 months ago:
I don’t know anymore. My thoughts are all over the place.
A few days ago, I looked at some pictured of young boys (8 – 10). It was all going fine until I saw a kid and felt a slight feeling of attraction. I don’t know if it’s just because of his facial features and how ‘cute’ he is. It felt slightly like sexual attraction. I just couldn’t believe it. I didn’t enjoy it or anything but I still had this tingling sensation.
I started to believe that I’m attracted to boys aged 8 – 10 and I’m panicking. The night prior, I had this dream featuring a young boy looking like he’s 10 being used for some messed-up stuff online and he looked like he was enjoying it. I didn’t do anything sexual or anything but the strong groinal sensation was there (I don’t know the difference between a strong groinal response or arousal anymore). I woke up and I felt a slight panic. I wanted answers as to why I’m having dreams like this.
I’m confused. I’m bi and I prefer boys my age or older but my head keeps giving me images of attractive younger boys. I don’t know anymore. I’ve never had fantasies containing young boys but recently I keep having thoughts that give me slight arousal. I don’t know if my OCD is affecting my sexual preference. For some reason, if these ‘arousing thoughts’ feature consenting kids, I feel a somewhat stronger but still slight arousal.
I never intend on performing sexual acts on a minor (consensual or not) but I’m beginning to doubt it. One time I just left my brain on ‘autopilot’, I asked myself if I would perform sexual acts on a minor and my head suddenly responded with “Hell yeah” and I felt this weird sense of relief but then I panicked.
I began testing myself by thinking about messed up thoughts but I stopped testing even further because I’m sure I would get aroused.
I’ve read that one of the symptoms of teenage pedophilia is distress. I cried and I cried. I started pulling my own hair thinking about what I have done to deserve this. I’m still 14 so I’m beginning to think that my arousal is caused by hormones. I’ve heard that teens in the midst of puberty get aroused by anything remotely sexual but I don’t know anymore. Maybe I’m just making excuses. I also read that P’s develop during adolescence so I’ve started to accept the possibility that I’m probably transitioning into a P. I’m broken and depressed knowing that there is no cure so if I actually become one, I’m finished.
A part of me still thinks it’s POCD though, thinking that none of this makes sense. I’m still attracted to women or girls my age. When I get in an optimistic mood, I keep telling myself that I’m not a P, saying it’s just my OCD affecting my behavior, and my ‘attraction’ just flat out disappears.
Recently, I started thinking of suicide. A few hours ago, I thought of committing suicide as a way to make things stop and I felt a sense of relief thinking I’ve found the solution. I’m now in the stage of thinking about what to put in my suicide note. I don’t wanna end my life but it feels like I have to in order to stop things from getting worse. It’s a waste of a good life if I end it but I don’t wanna waste the rest of my life hurting kids.
Pedophilia is a glitch and it serves no purpose but my groin keeps making me feel worse. There’s nothing arousing about kids and the thought of grown men performing sexual acts on kids is sickening. I don’t know what aspect about kids that give my groin these sensations. They’re cute but they’re not sex objects. Maybe it’s probably because I’ve made my brain perceive cute things as sexually attractive but I don’t know anymore.
I really wanna grow up to be a good person, maybe start a foster home for kids. But these unwanted sexual thoughts are getting out of hand. I need help. I’m scared.
pensive said 3 years, 8 months ago:
I'm sorry that this reply is late, but hang in there! I'm 14 too, and it's kinda hard at an age like this, y'know?
Not to give too much reassurance (because apparently that's supposed to be bad for you), but you really aren't a bad person. The fact that you have no desire to harm children and the fact that you don't want to be attracted to them is great, you're doing good dude.
sometimes the brain can be like "hell yeah" because you just need to let stuff out. It's really dumb, but it just happens 'cause your brain needs to take a dump sometimes.
you need to treat these thoughts like they're nothing, I get the same intrusive thoughts as you but I also get weird intrusive thoughts/urges in the middle of class about jumping up on the desk and screaming in gibberish. Does it mean I want to do it, or that I will do it? Nah, but if I convince myself that "maybe I wanted to do it all along" I'll probably start to believe that. If you concentrate on that every hour of every day, your brain will convince itself that it really wants to and you're just in denial about it, then you'll go crazy over that.
The more you ruminate about whether you like that stuff or not, the more your brain will create a false arousal sensation or sense of attraction. Your brain is smart as hell, it's like a computer but wayy more complex.
My advice? Just treat it like any other less significant intrusive thought. You know you have no desire to do it, but sometimes reacting positively or neutrally to it can help. What do I mean by this? Well, when the thought comes, just think "hell yeah I enjoy it" or if that first one scares you, "maybe I enjoy it, maybe I don't."
This works for me, so it might work for you. You might think that this'll make you "desensitised to pedophilia' or it'll make you "okay with being a pedophile" or something, but it really just makes the thought feel insignificant and intrusive, like every other thought. This means no more ruminating, no second thoughts about stuff, just let the thoughts pass and your false attraction will pass with time and effort put in. The reason you feel that dumb false attraction or "arousal" is because anxiety is kinda tied closely to arousal and attraction, I don't know how to explain it but they're similar feelings and your mind can convince you that anxiety is actually arousal. Another thing is that it could just be that you're thinking of sex in general, y'know? This one is a bit of a theory so don't take my word for it, but I suspect that the 'sex' aspect of it makes you feel aroused, but the anxiety of it being a child just adds to the weird anxiety/arousal mess, and we already know how closely tied anxiety and arousal can be. Doesn't mean anything about you.
Another thing is to accept uncertainty. This doesn't mean "you will never know if you're a pedophile or not!! You just have to sit and suffer and deal with it!!!" it literally just means that you shouldn't ruminate in order to feel certain about something. Avoiding ruminating over everything will get you one big step closer to recovery, and feeling comfortable after getting reassurance can push you away from making the effort to recover.
I support you, and you just need to remember that it gets better. Your ocd will get better with time. It won't fully go away, but you'll know how to handle it and it'll feel practically nonexistent.
suffocation said 3 years, 8 months ago:
hey, i just wanted to say thatits not your fault. personally what i would do straight away is tell someone you can trust. i really recommend telling your caregiver about this, but if you don't feel ready to tell them, try to arrange a way to see an actual therapist about this. also please don't contemplate on suicide. you don't deserve to die; think about the life you want to live – where you are not bound by your thoughts. you need to fight – for the person you might marry and have kids with. please dont think about killing yourself – ive been where you are and trust me, its not worth it.
recoveryroad said 3 years, 7 months ago:
hello, I hope you're doing better now.
i've taken some time to read to your post. I was quite hesitant but i feel like if i was in your shoes I would've been quite relieved to hear this :))
I understand what you're going through, i've been there. EXACTLY where you were. I've struggled to differenciate whether I actually liked the thoughts or if they were just POCD, this caused me a lot of distress and i felt as if my only option to end all this was suicide. I know i did'nt want to but felt as though it was the best way to stop these thoughts and save the people around me.
Please know that you are worthy of change and it is possible to get rid of these thoughts and your responses to them. I know it may soud crazy but PLEAAASSSEEE TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!!! you should try using subliminals and LOA (law of attraction). i feel as though it would be best for you to research those two terms on your own. i'll give you a brief description on subliminals>>
subliminals are message audios that are quiety played behind music. You cannot hear the affirmations but thats the whole point, they travel to your subconcious mind and rewire your beliefs, behaviours, e.t.c. It's sientifically proven that subliminal messaging works 100%!! but you must have faith and remove all the negative blockers that don't allow to believe in them.
At the moment, i'm really happy with my life, I feel so normal. I picked myself up and understood the type of person I was (subliminals really helped me with that)) I don't get groinal response around children, to me, they just seem normal. I can finally say that I want kids when i'm older wih ease. I'm so excited to start a family and go on with my life as if nothing has happened, i'm ready to start living again! whoever you may be reading this forum, please know that this a sign from the universe you are about to manifest perfect mental health. You will achieve all your goals in life ( and before you start to overthink and say 'what if my goal in life is to become a P?! or a horrible person!? just know you ARE NOT!!!PLEASE TRUST ME!! YOU ARE MEANT TO BE READING THIS! NOTHING IN THE UNIVERSE IS A MISTAKE!!)
I understand I could've just moved on and never replied to this topic, but I now the potential you have to heal, even though we have never met in person, I just feel like I had to come back and share this secret with you. use it wisely~~~
sending lots of love and prayers your way, keep going!!