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Topic Title: I’m scared. Is this POCD? Please help!
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garbage said 4 years, 3 months ago:
Before I tell you about my POCD vs. Pedophilia story, I wanna tell you why I don’t wanna be a pedo.
Pedos are known for correlating with child molesters, and it’s scary. I don’t wanna harm anyone, I don’t wanna harm my sisters nor harm any child. It sucks, it’s painful.
Another thing is how you can’t date a woman that’s your age, you feel as if it’s scary, now I’m attracted to women my age, but sometimes there’s this feeling that I’m not, I’m scared.
It becomes scarier, now I struggle with POCD, but sometimes, I have these thoughts making me feel urges of rape, they last 1 second, now I also think of adults, anytime I see my mother having a shower (naked), I feel a sense of this terrible feeling, though when my sisters start coming (Three, ages are 12, 11 & 9), I get disgusted anytime, I can’t even talk to them, it feels torture talking to them.
Now here’s my story, it began when I was 13 years old (My case that I’m a pedo stronger), I was sitting and studying, I had a depressed feeling, because of nihilism, I suffered nihilism a lot, so my mom told me to get my two young sisters, I had gone to school and got them out. Though when I was getting them out, I felt a weird feeling. I felt this feeling of badness, when I used to be a kid, I disliked being next to people (Male/Female, Old/Young) wearing shorts or skirts, they just looked weird. Now that my sisters first time had skirt, I didn’t like it, but when I had to bring them, I felt a weird feeling. This feeling was horrible, I felt disgusted, but I ignored it due to my nihilism, nihilism at the time was strong. I was sitting there sad and anxious due to nihilism only, but that’s it.
Two months later, I woke up and had this strange feeling, it was scary as fuck. I felt like I was a pedophile, I was super scared, the idea of being a pedo is scary. I honestly always hated pedos, they were the worst, I didn’t expect me to become one, I felt scared, intense frightening. I was scared all day, I was wondering what I will do in my life (Maybe commit suicide or something else), I was searching if there’s any help, but then, I found something called POCD, I was so relieved. I was so happy, knowing that I wasn’t suffering pedophilia but rather OCD.
I was continuing my months like usual, I turned 14, and I was happy enjoying life, sometimes I had these feelings but I shrugged them, nothing else. It was relaxing, very relaxing. There were other problems in my life, but I would prefer them to being a pedo any day, thank god. My favorite channels were ‘Pewdiepie’,’Emplemon’ & ‘Internet Historian’, these channels were very entertaining to me, they made me laugh. I was very interested in politics, would browse Reddit or 4chan for politics, I was in r/anarchism, I saw a post about how we should be killing pedos, I didn’t disagree that much, then it got weirder, there was a link about pedophile, and that made me feel scared but later that day I didn’t care, I was enjoying stuff I liked I was relaxed and things when back to normal, here’s the link btw: https://mentalpod.com/archives/2623
Little did I know, things took a different turn, in December 2019, I felt this weird feeling again, I felt scared, I was shaking. Why did I have this feeling? It started when our School decided that tests were going to be different, instead of all 9th-grade students being in the same class, it’d be one 9th grade student in every different and a lot of other grade students in same classes, every class would contain: 1-2 9th-grade students, 2-4 8th-grade students, 3-5 7th-grade students, 6-8 6th-grade students, 11 5th-grade students and finally 12 4th-grade students. I had no problem, until I saw this one students, it was good at first, I had no problem, but 5 days later, I had this weird feeling again. The way he looked is so similar to this kid’s look: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7RgN9ijwE4 and he was in grade 5. I had no problem sitting next to kids at first, but when the days got on, I felt worried and it got worse.
That was it, I denied I was pedo telling to myself, ‘I can’t be a pedo’, I was crying really hard, but when I look back to the podcast and my life, I see similarities, I kept denying it, It was a horrible feeling, I asked to myself how can I be a pedo, after all this time, right now I get to be a pedo? It got worse, I saw myself how it all started and I was 13! That means I was a pedo, most 13-year-olds get to be pedos, at first. I was more scared of how my life would go, I thought I would lose everything, my parents (Whom I love the most), I was the first son to be born, so I get to be also a pedo, NO IT CAN’T BE. I decided to search the symptoms of pedos, it said they exaggerate the feeling of attraction towards adults. I quickly got more scared, but I saw it only said to 16-year-olds only, I wanted to see if there was a 13-15-year-olds one. Why? Because I felt that many pedos had become pedos at the age of 13, and that was me! When becoming a pedo, the age of puberty is the most common. I felt scared.
I was so worried, that I would find out I’m a pedo (I was still 14 when this was happening), I wrote teenage pedophilia symptoms, it read that most of them are distressed, wait a second. That was me, holy crap I’m a pedo. I questioned everything, I wanted to die secretly, as if it’s due to something else but not pedophilia, but I didn’t want my loved ones to be sad. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t wanna die. I thought in the abused shoes that maybe POCD isn’t real, it’s just a way to counter it. I was extremely worried, I felt as if I won’t live on, I wanted my parents to be proud when I was born, die successful with little minor problems, I didn’t want it to end that fast. I cried hard, didn’t tell my parents.
I searched POCD, and saw that they fear harming children, wait. I only fear for my loved ones and myself, I decided to also be scared of molesting someone more, at first I was really scared at it but not as much as dying and my loved ones seeing how their son died a horrible death, I began to get more worried, is my life garbage? Was all of this garbage? What’s the point of living like this? Why is death so scary? Am I a narcissist? I was depressed, I feared that I might molest a child, I was gone, my life looked like it was going to end. I was so traumatized, that I couldn’t wake up. Oh and one night when I slept, I had a weird feeling of urine coming, only to find out it was semen. This is the first time I had ever ejaculated, no joke. I have no private room and my parents are religious so they would be mad if I masturbated (I had never masturbated in my life). I’m starting to be scared, help, please! Everything I say looks similar to a pedo’s story. It’s haunting me.
Anyone tell me, is my story pedophile-ish? I’m so worried, every symptom is similar. I’m scared.
Zoe Chater said 4 years, 3 months ago:
Hi there- it's a moderator here!
I'm really sorry to hear that you've been suffering so much from intrusive thoughts- it sounds like you have been going through a really stressful time so I want to help as much as I can.
As we aren't medically trained on this page, unfortunately no one is able to tell you whether what you are experiencing is POCD, but I can say that based on my knowledge of the disorder, it sounds as though your symptoms are really similar! It can be really scary to have thoughts like this and that is why I wonder if you would consider going to talk to a GP or whether you have done so before?
If you are under 16, you can go with a parent and explain how you are feeling to the doctor and they will be able to help you by giving you an official diagnosis and whatever treatment you may require. Talking to a medical professional about this can really help as they have heard all kinds of things and will have had countless patients explain a very similar situation to them before.
By finding out whether you officially have OCD, you can receive some sense of closure in terms of the unknown of what is going on, and potentially treatment to help you as much as possible.
Please remember you are never alone and that there are many others in the same situation as you who understand exactly what you're going through.
Kind regards,
Zoe