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Topic Title: Is it pocd or am I horrible
8 posts
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teawithsugar said 3 years, 10 months ago:
I’m 15 years old and have never even thought about this before. I was on instagram and looked up adult stuff (sorry this is uncomfortable to think about) and was scrolling when I saw someone that looked a bit young. It creeped me out so I scrolled past and there was another one so I turned my phone of and tried to dismiss it (I feel bad because I should have reported it). And then I was watching a show called black mirror on netflix (it was about a 17 year old pedophile) and I had this sudden feeling of guilt as if I had done something. Pedophillia has always disgusted me and I have never thought about doing anything to children because its wrong. But then I started worrying about my own actions and even worried for a while about whether I’d hurt my younger siblings. The thing is I know I haven’t but I kept on thinking what if my mind is just telling me this because I’m evil. I also started worrying about if I’ve ever searched anything up that is wrong, and it really scared me. I couldn’t sleep for about a week and I had a constant feeling of guilt and whenever I saw a child I was scared about if I did feel attracted to them. And then, something that really terrified me, I started having weird sudden feelings *down there* whenever I saw someone younger than me. They’d come as sudden things and then go, and it TERRIFIED me. I kept telling myself that I’m not attracted to them because I never have been before. Then I searched up intrusive thoughts and found pocd, and it made me feel a bit better because it was something I could relate to. But what if my mind is just telling me this? One day I woke up, sort of half asleep and had some sort of half awake half asleep dream where I was masturbating (I am so sorry this is really weird) and I remember thinking at the time omg what if I thought about children and enjoyed it and I woke up. Suddenly I thought what if I had a fantasy dream (if those even exist)?!?!?! Im scared in case I did get aroused by the thought of it, even though it horrifies mem I have never been attracted to children and the thought of it scares me. I dont know if its pocd or not, because I dont always get intrusive thoughts unless I think about what if I did do something. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t tell anyone in case they think I’m an evil person. The worst thing is, I don’t know if I did do anything and my mind is making me think I’ve forgotten, or I didn’t do anything and I’m worrying for no reason. Advice please?
teawithsugar said 3 years, 10 months ago:
I’d also like to add that I woke up the other day and didnt have that guilty feeling. I’m worried that because I don’t have that guilty feeling anymore it makes me a horrible person. I really need someone to tell me what’s going on with me please?
teawithsugar said 3 years, 10 months ago:
And I should add that I also have a fear of searching horrible things in the past, like indecent photos of children or r*pe. I know I haven’t, but what if I did? I also had one of those half asleep dreams today, but when an image of a child came up I can’t remember what i did. The dream then didnt last for more than a few seconds after that and I’m scared I’ve done something terrible. I would really appreciate some advice on this please
vavavoom said 3 years, 10 months ago:
Hi! I can't exactly your question, but having those thoughts or images does not make you an evil person. Also, fantasy dreams ( in my opinion) do exist, but i'm sure other people will say otherwise. And I hope you start feeling better, and if you're really really worried or at some point you feel to overwhelmed, you should talk to a trusted adult, even if it makes the situation really awrkward, it will help you in the long run.
I hope this helped
teawithsugar said 3 years, 10 months ago:
hi, thank you for replying. these dreams didnt start until i saw that tv show, and i hate them because i dont want to be a bad person. i do worry though that the dreams are my mind trying to show me what i actually want – if you get what i mean. what do you think please?
eggs said 3 years, 9 months ago:
hi! i'm new to the forum, so i hope it's okay that i reply. reading this was so relieving that i had to make an account to tell you your experience is incredibly similar to mine!
i've been dealing with this for a few months now. it came seemingly out of nowhere and freaked me out since i'm 16, the minimum age required to be considered a P. i've always adored children; i love being around them, talking to them, taking care of them, etc. before i started experiencing what i believe is pOCD, one of my biggest coping mechanisms was looking at videos of babies
i don't exactly remember when the "what if i'm actually a P" theme started running in my head. i do remember i watched a show with a 10 year old as one of the main protagonists and would have groinal responses like you've described to her. it later devolved into having responses to things like the word "baby", "child", "little sibling", and so on. i've been avoiding looking at my young niece and nephew out of fear that it'd provoke such a reaction. i've thought back to the times where i watched my sister change their diaper and started compulsively checking down there to make sure i wasn't actually aroused by what i was seeing/recalling. i know there's a difference between me having a reaction in my irrational monkey brain that doesn't understand what is sexual and what's just an association vs genuinely wanting to engage in activities with another person, and the feeling is an enormous difference. still, it eats me up inside.
the feelings themselves don't cause me nearly as much anxiety and horror as they used to, since my compulsions are now centered around finding accounts of Ps and matching it up to what i'm feeling. it sends me into a downward spiral of "what if" just thinking about doing this. i've been able to dissuade myself from it, thankfully, but it's been an uphill battle. typing this out right now makes me want to go google it, but i've abstained.
the most helpful piece of knowledge for me was being reminded that our signals can often get confused. sometimes your brain will fire off a hunger signal when you're actually thirsty, so you'll eat and make yourself thirstier! if the irrational monkey part of our brain can do something so counterproductive to our survival, why is this any different? furthermore, anxiety and fight or flight does sometimes manifest as a random groinal response; sometimes hearing a gunshot will cause blood to rush to the genital area, but obviously that person is not going to be aroused by being on the brink of death. i'd like to add that i no longer feel the same parental love i used to for babies/toddlers; it's been replaced with the groinal responses. truly i think the most relieving moment i've had was last night when i had the same response to a baby elephant.
in sum, please be kind to yourself. the crux of OCD is not being able to handle the shortcomings of our minds (intrusive thoughts, confused signals, etc) because they make us question their implications ad nauseum. i hope readings this has granted you some relief.
roroyourboat said 3 years, 9 months ago:
I think this is pocd because a lot of people have had and shared the same thing, I have ocd but another form, all I can say is that you are not evil for having these thoughts, a lot of people have had them, the same or worse. But it doesn't mean that by having these thoughts your evil and horrible your dreams don't mean that that's you actually thinking these things and meaning them. Talk to someone, online help groups, there's people to contact, or family or friends who you trust. It will help to talk about it. I'm 16 and I only just started to talk about it and it has helped so much just saying what is going on. good luck and hope this helps a small bit
ro ro
vavavoom said 3 years, 8 months ago:
Hey,
i don't know what is wrong with me, but i have had thoughts about my non biological cousin ( a boy) who is 12 years old. I don't know if it is Pocd, or something else, becuase he has done really weird things ( can't mention them, but they are innapropriate) and my sister says that the thing that is going on between us is not normal. So i'm just trying to figure out what is going on. Could someone please help me and tell me what is maybe happening?