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Topic Title: OCD or am I a bad person?
5 posts
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moresunshine said 5 years, 2 months ago:
Hello, I hope everyone one is doing okay. I’m really worried I don’t have OCD, and that I’m a terrible person. Yesterday I just couldn’t get the thought of a 12 year old out of my head. She’s quite developed and I couldn’t stop thinking about her breasts (I’m sorry if this offends anyone). I’m 15 so I wasn’t too worried but then I searched it up and people kept saying pedophile and things like that. I’m worried though because it was like I wanted to think about her at first and then I didn’t after but just couldn’t get her out of my head. I don’t have a crush on her or anything and I would never date a 12 year old and I felt nothing when I thought about her but I’m worried because at first I welcomed the thought. When I wanted to stop thinking about her I just couldn’t seem to stop. I’m such a horrible person I don’t want to be a pervert. Then later I saw this baby running around and I looked down at his shoes but I’m not sure if I looked down so I could look at the baby inappropriately or not. I would never hurt a baby or child but I’m really worried I wanted to look at the baby inappropriately. Sometimes I feel like I want to look at people inappropriately, even children which is super disgusting, but I don’t know if I actually always do want to look or not. I think sometimes I do. I don’t want to be this way though. I do it more often with my family, children and animals so I was hoping it was because they were the people and animals I was trying hardest not to look at so I convinced myself I wanted to look and then looked but now I’m not sure and think I’m just horrible. I was hoping it was compulsive staring OCD but I don’t think I stare and I feel like maybe sometimes it’s premeditated I don’t know. I hope it isn’t. It probably is though. I also keep thinking really bad things like I’m happy a certain person is ill or dead and I want this person to be sad. When I think these things I feel like I smile but I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m so worried about finding these thoughts happy ones or if it’s just because I’m a bad person. I don’t want to be like this I really don’t. I think I’m bad though. I’m really hoping it is OCD. I’ve had OCD in the past so I’m really hoping it is but it doesn’t seem likely at all. I’ve never read about anyone with OCD exactly like mine so it concerns me. Please help me. I don’t know what to do.
enya2019 said 5 years, 2 months ago:
Not everyone’s experience will be exactly similar try keep that in mind, it seems that a lot of things are just easily triggering your intrusive thoughts, this happens to me often, the simplest thing can set my mind off obsessing over my intrusive thoughts and anything bad I could have done, I think maybe getting a diagnosis will give you some relief in your mind, but I know how hard it can be not being able to talk about it, have you spoke to anyone about what your dealing with mentally? I think if you trusted someone enough to talk to them it would really help, I know that can take long though, when I was 12 I started having sexual intrusive thoughts involving mostly my mother, it was so hard, it took me 4 years, basically this year to tell her that that’s what it started off with, you arent alone and you don’t seem like a bad person at all, it’s clearly a massive fear that you don’t want to be that way, and that makes it more clear that you aren’t actually a peadophile, your head can really twist things to make your head think you’re a bad person, especially OCD, remember you can’t control those thoughts most of the time, my advice is to educate yourself as much as you can on what you’re going through because it can really help you feel less alone, don’t worry if your experiences don’t match others exactly, we are all different, I really hope you feel able to manage it abit better soon, we’re all here to help each other, good luck you’ll get through this
moresunshine said 5 years, 2 months ago:
Thank you this really means a lot. I haven’t spoke to anyone about what I’m going through because the thoughts I have are all about very bad subjects and I’m really worried about how people will react. I feel like no one will understand that I don’t want to be a bad person, and just assume I’m horrible. Also, I don’t think anyone in my family really understands all the different forms of OCD. Maybe they would understand I don’t know. It helps to talk about it on here though. Thank you so much for the support. I hope you’re doing well
enya2019 said 5 years, 2 months ago:
Yeah it’s exactly the same with me, my head has really bad topics too, just try not to push the thoughts away as this only makes it worse, from expierence aswell, I think they’ll know you aren’t a bad person at all and that you’re just struggling mentally, if it is hard to talk about, whoever you trust enough to tell could even read up abit about ocd to help them understand a bit better, and yeah talking on here helps me a bit too I feel less alone, just try tell someone about it who you trust enough when you’re ready to do so, we’re all here for each other, I hope you’re doing well too thanks