OCD Youth

Warning: Javascript has been disabled. To experience this site as intended please enable javascript from your respective browser preferences section.

Support Forum

Support

Public Group

Notes: Last active 2 years, 12 months ago

If you need any help or advice then feel free to post them here and we’ll try to help!

Viewing post 1 to 3 (3 total posts)

Topic Title: Terrified about POCD/pedophilia and past fetishes

3 posts

← Support Forum Return to Groups

omnibus said 4 years, 1 month ago:

Disclaimer: long, and discussing weird kinks

So to start, I’ve had what I believe to be OCD for a really long time, and it’s manifested itself in a whole bunch of ways, fears about becoming a murderer, or a thief, or a rapist. I think the most prominent of these OCD-esque fears was the fear of pedophilia.

I think I feared being a pedophile since I was 11. Sometimes (and typically) it merged with other fears, but it was always my main fear. It creates really long periods of time where I didn’t know what the hell to do with myself, I thought I was a horrible person, that I was going to grow up and possibly hurt somebody. I broke down and cried often, thinking what I might be.

During those times (and now) I think I exhibit the common traits. I constantly google to see whether it’s POCD or pedophilia, I constantly check to see arousal and I get really freaked the fuck out and scared when I get a groinal response – and I keep telling myself that I’m not a pedophile, that it’s just more OCD, that I’ve had this before and I lose it after a while, that I’ve had other forms of OCD that felt just as real. But it only works so much. I always end up breaking down and crying, hoping to God that I’m not a pedophile, not knowing what the fuck I’d do if I were.

When I see a child, I freak the fuck out and check if I get aroused. I get afraid when I hear the word child and my OCD flares up, I wonder if I’m attracted to children, if I get sexually aroused, and I get really afraid when I get a response. When I do, I try to tell myself that that’s common for OCD involving questions of arousal, that I’m not generally aroused or excited by children, etc.

But recently I feel like it’s been getting worse, and my ability to at least calm myself down in the moment is getting worse and worse. Im getting less and less confident that this is just OCD. I get really worked that “maybe it was OCD before, but now it’s not”, or whatever my brain needs to tell itself to keep the fears alive. But my biggest problem is the fact that I’m constantly looking back at past events and starting to see if it proves I’m a pedophile. I sometimes get better, but then I remember shit that freaks me the fuck out, and I go right back down the spiral again.

For context I’m 16. I think my looking back mainly started when I looked back to me being attracted and masturbating to 16 year olds. I started to freak out, got really afraid, started wondering if that showed I was attracted to younger people. That kinda eased up because I realize that I’m the same age, but it still makes me extremely paranoid in conjunction with the other “evidence”

The one that’s freaked me out the most is a fetish I’ve had. For the past few years (I don’t know now) I’ve had an incest fetish, mostly between mom-and-son. Not my own mother, just a fantasy. Mostly between a mom and a son. Im not comfortable with this fetish, and I don’t know why I have it, but I don’t think I’ve associated it with pedophilia. The huge problem is I’ve occasionally masturbated to hentai of a young son and mom. This caused me to panic when I remembered it, and I started to bawl, because I thought this showed it definitively. I have no idea how to feel about this, I’m so afraid of this fact. At the time I don’t believe I was necessarily associating it with pedophilia, just with the incest fetish. But I’m still freaking out about it, because I have no idea what this means for me. I’ve never been (at least I don’t think I’ve been) attracted to real, physical porn of a young son/daughter and their parents, but I have been attracted to incest hentai involving such. Im really really paranoid and afraid that this means Im a pedophile. This was one or two years ago I think, but then I start to wonder if I’ve often had those thoughts, and how often I’ve had them.

I want to chalk it up to puberty, that it was just weird thoughts in the past. But this makes me so afraid that what I believed to be POCD isn’t POCD, its really pedophilia. In so scared to believe that I’m actually a pedophile, and that Id actually have the inclination to hurt a child.

My worst part is I have no idea if I still have this fetish. I’ve had weird fetishes/kinks/one-time acttractions and I’ve mostly found reason to chalk that up to just puberty, but Im really afraid with this one whether it actually is pedophilia. It puts my other fears and compulsions in a different context, and that makes me really really scared.

I’ve heard that the fact that I don’t know whether it’s POCD or actual pedophilia is good evidence for it being POCD, but Im really afraid that that’s just me being in denial. I don’t know what to think of myself, and whether I could live with myself if I had that kind of attraction. Im just really fucking scared.

Sorry for this being so long, I just want advice whether this has happened before, or whether im actually a pedophile. I definitely want to seek help, but Im just really scared. I’ve been living with this fear all my life, and it’s really hard to talk about to my family. Ive told my family about my fears (never this link), and they’ve been supportive and tried to calm me down. But i don’t know of i could really live with myself if I was a pedophile. I feel isolated from everyone else, I feel like Im dosgusting and loathsome and am destined to hurt someone. Im just really really scared.

Deleted User said 4 years, 1 month ago:

Hey man, I totally get what you’re going through. When I was younger, I had access to innapropriate fictional stories that were completely awful and out of curiosity I read a few, got disgusted by them, and then forgot about them, but then questioned if I was attracted to these stories years later. I felt disgusting, terrified that I could have been a p, and I felt alone. Of course, I wasn’t attracted to these stories and I can see that now, but you know how our minds twist things into whatever it wants. But I can completely relate to the whole making connections where there weren’t any before. Your brain is actively trying to find proof that you’re a p (which you aren’t), and is willing to grasp at ANYTHING to try and prove it, which doesn’t help you at all. It’s just going to make your compulsions worse and push you deeper into your obsession. Just because you had a certain fetish doesnt mean that you’re a p, and plus if you aren’t actively looking at this stuff now then I wouldnt worry about it, but I understand how hard that is to get over. Also, the characters aren’t real, they’re just anime characters and no one was harmed, they don’t exist, so I hope you don’t worry so much about that. And you being afraid that you’re in denial, is an OCD symptom and this just proves that what you’re experiencing could be OCD. The best thing for you to do, and I know this is going to be extremely hard, is to stop thinking about it. I know that sounds impossible, it took me about a year for me to get over my own obsession, but it helps you in the long run. When you feel the need to do a compulsion, distract yourself with a videogame or maybe scroll through social media, anything that’ll get your mind off of it. And stop asking for reassurance, thats just going to drag you down as well. I hope you have a better day than you’re having now.