OCD Youth

dontknowwhattodoanymore said 5 years, 2 months ago:

Sorry if I say anything wrong here. I’m new to this forum and this is the first post I’ve ever made regarding my worries publicly.

I want to preface this by saying I have not been diagnosed with OCD of any kinds and this is a new thing for me. I am 14, 15 in October. My family has a history of anxiety and I have been diagnosed with ASD (Autism). I’m being referred back to a therapist and my mum is aware of my worrying. I am not attracted to children at all (I’d rather die than turn out to be a P*, it’s the worst possible thing that could possibly happen) and I had thought I was learning to cope with these terrifying thoughts until this came up.

When I was 11, I learnt I was into (about as into as an 11 year-old can be) things like, well, inflation. I know it was gross and it’s not at all something I enjoy now. I wasn’t masturbating or anything, I just saw the pictures and realised I enjoyed them and that was that.

My school had a buddy system, where a P1 (around 5 years old) would be paired with a P7 (around 11) to help the P1 learn their way around school and things. My buddy, a little girl named Nina, was no problem and I was fine with her for the most part. This was before I learnt how annoying kids could be, lol, but I digress.

I always loved make-believe games. I still do text-based roleplays online to this day and it was one of my favourite hobbies. However, I hadn’t learnt that at the time, so I just had to stick to pretending IRL.

Nina, being young and imaginative, also enjoyed this and it was something we’d regularly do every lunchtime. It was never sexual in any manner, just wholesome imagination nonsense about going on adventures and whatever the hell we thought up.

However, one day, my confused young self with no concept of consequences decided to incorporate my sick kink(?) into it. Just once. There was no description of anything even remotely NSFW and it was incredibly brief. I didn’t touch her or anything. I was not attracted to her. I didn’t even see it as a sexual thing at the time, it never was done for gratification or anything. I just knew of a thing I enjoyed and didn’t think twice.

However, now that I’ve re-thought the context of it, I’m scared. What if I planted a terrible idea in her head? What if, one day, she remembers this and everything goes to Hell? I’ve been worrying about this so, so much today. Me and my mum were just driving through to another town and she pointed Nina out to me as we passed the school, and my anxiety-ridden brain thought right back to this specific event. I hadn’t even remembered it for years now, only now had it been brought back up.

I don’t want this to have meant something. I feel like I manipulated her and took advantage of her, even though it was never anything sexual or wrong. It was done innocently, but I fear of how wrong it could be taken by people. I know there’s no way on Earth an 11 year-old could do anything bad, but at the same time I don’t care. I did it.

I’ve read posts elsewhere about people having done things that they regret, but I can’t seem to put that self-sympathy back onto me. I doubt she even remembers the event but at the same time I feel like I’m trying to excuse myself. I’d just gotten over what was a horrific few days for me, worry-wise, and then this happens. I just want to calm down but I can’t.

I know I don’t like kids. They annoy me, I want nothing to do with them, but my worrying has just gotten too much anyways. I need someone to talk to but I’m terrified it’ll be taken the wrong way or that my worries will turn out to be true.

I had plans to RP tomorrow (today was too stressful for me to focus on writing) but now I’m not so sure. All my RP friends are close to my age and nothing bad had ever happened, but remembering that experience had tainted my thoughts.

I feel I’ve calmed down now that I’ve typed this out but it’s still too much. I don’t want to have hurt Nina. As much as I despise children, I’d never want to harm or manipulate one. I just want to be able to accept that it was a mistake and some bad judgement and leave it there, but then I feel I’m lying.

I’ve been able to forgive other calls of bad judgement thanks to my amazing friends’ help, and I’m on the list for therapy now, but I don’t see how I can forgive this. I want to return to normality and not worry and obsess but it’s too much and there’s so much I’m scared to admit. I’m probably just over-reacting but I can never be too sure.

tldr; I worry I may have taken advantage of a small child when I was 11.

Help?

moresunshine said 5 years, 2 months ago:

Hello, I hope you’re feeling a bit better now. Trust me, you did nothing wrong. You didn’t touch the girl, you didn’t do anything sexually, you generally were just playing like every child does. I did similar things like this when I was younger and I know it can make you feel really guilty, but I was a child like you who didn’t realise what I was doing was wrong. You didn’t even do anything wrong. I really recommend staying on this website as it’s great to talk to people who understand

You can forgive yourself for what you did. It doesn’t make you a bad person. The fact you’re so worried about what you did when you were 11 shows you are a good person. Besides, you didn’t do anything wrong. If you have any more worries, I’ll do my best to ease them. I hope everything gets better for you.