OCD Youth

idontfeelsogood76 said 4 years, 8 months ago:

I should start by saying im a 15 year old female.This happened once before when i was 14 as well and i did everything i could to prove i wasnt and it went away. I have been having really bad anxiety and what i think is pocd. it all started back in december 2019 when i was playing with my 4 y/o sister and i got a sudden sexual feeling towards her. I feel disgusting even typing that. I immediately tried to brush it off and i felt disgusting. Then i got the question in my mind “am i a p*do?” Then i immediately shook my head and said no im being crazy. Then it went away for a couple of weeks then it came back really bad. Like really bad. i feel guilty every time i think about her and i just feel so bad. And now it feels like exactly how it did when it first started but except im worried i might actually be one. Ive never Thought of children sexually before, or atleast i dont think i have and it makes me feel sick. Im scared to grow older because im afraid i’ll realize its not pocd. I would never do anything to hurt a child and i dont think ive ever fantasized about one in that way. Ive been feeling guilty about things ive done in the past and now i cant stop obsessing over it and im genuinely scared. When i was 14, I saw an instagram page about men selling young girls, and someone told me to report it. And i did, but when i saw the story it was of a girl who said she was twelve and wanted someone to f*ck her. I remember getting a little bit aroused but i was uncomfortable as well. At the time i didnt think anything of it and forgot about it a couple weeks later. I think i watched it twice because i was so in shock, but i keep thinking its because it aroused me and i feel extremely bad and i keep thinking that im disgusting for getting aroused and i do feel that way i just cant let it go and i keep thinking it means something deeper and im just now realizing. .I feel extremely guilty and ashamed and disgusted with myself for looking at that. like im in disbelief with myself. I did report the account, And i told all my other friends to report it aswell and it fortunately got deleted. But i was trying to sleep tonight when that memory just popped into my head and now i cant let it go. Theres so much going on inside my head right now and im just so so so terrified. My brain keeps digging up all these old memories from when i was 10-13 and now i just feel like its all being pulled together but im refusing to accept it and thats what scares me the most. I cant live like this and im just so scared to grow up and im afraid i actually am one. I havent been able to sleep and i just feel so guilty and ive been searching things up and praying i am just so so so scared. I dont know what to do and i feel like im losing hope i cant do this.

lilah said 4 years, 8 months ago:

Hi idontfeelsogood76, I can totally understand worrying and being triggered, and you're thought's wanting to double check, and being worried. I do think that you are having OCD, but even people who do not have OCD probably have had those thoughts. I think the part that is the OCD is the worrying and the checking, most people when they get a bad thought they will just think that's wierd and move on, but some people with OCD will generally cling on to those thoughts and start worrying, checking, and then fretting am I this because of this, is this bad. I am not totally sure but this is what I think and have herd sometimes. Just because you had those thoughts does not make you anything. OCD is really annoying because it makes you doubt a lot, a suggestion I have is if you are starting to have a long line of thoughts that goes no where is try not to have a "OCD debate". It can be hard not to, but they generally go no where, maybe instead come up with a frase or something, not sure though just a suggestion. It's something that I read in a book called Outsmarting Worry. This book could also be helpful. I also would try not to worry about things you have done in the past because we all make mistakes and if they are thoughts that could be bad everybody has them. Also accepting thoughts is really hard for me but I would suggest that you could try to accept them when they come your way, a cool exersice I have heard is to pretend you are having a big party inside you and you are welcoming every thought that you have to it. I have tried this before and found it really hard sometimes and sometimes not even able to do it, but when you just accept your thoughts it can be relieving and kind of gives them less importance. Meditation or this app called calm could maybe help. There's also this book called the Act work book for teens with OCD this could maybe be helpful . Not sure though.

You can do this! OCD is hard but it is something you can manage better. Hope you can find some more peace of mind.