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Topic Title: I’m losing my mind
2 posts
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axysterics12 said 4 years ago:
Pedophile OCD is completely destroying my life or if I think it’s that… I’ll
I am 15 years old and as a teen I feel well I’m aware my hormones are all over the place.
Recently I developed an obsession over reporting “MAPs” (as they call themselves on Twitter “Minor Attracted Person”) because I’m a minor (15) and I want them all gone. I freaking hate them. Then after a while I was on a trip and freaked out over thinking a kid my brain might have thought he was attractive because I don’t know maybe for a split second I thought he looked older but then he stood up and I saw he was like seven and I knew I *definitely* didn’t like him. I still was really conflicted over the fact that at first I did and was starting to freak out about this PRETTY HARD which ended up on me spending the whole trip worrying about if I could be a pedophile and it felt very real and I might have unconsiously liked him. This really really made me want to kill myself. I kept on freaking out about kids but always would calm down and see them normally I did stop reporting maps on Twitter because it was affecting me. I am aware I’m very sensitive so there’s that too.
I did went back to it after a while and saw something very disturbing. It was actually CP but I still went and reported it and scroll through it and I hated it. It was horrible. I forced myself to watch to be sure I didn’t like any of that and there was one that grossed me out by and everything because it was like a really small girl and it broke my heart.
But then a couple days pass and I was fantasizing about my boyfriend half asleep and the thought of being the guy in the video of that girl came up to my mind and I was half asleep so I only half realized it It was still the same speed I was imagining my boyfriend in and the image of the girl came and I half knew it (or I would had stopped the thought right there) was there and I thought about the size and the softness of the girl while in the disgusting fantasy and I felt turned on by it BUT I couldn’t see her face and the “image” was very blurry so I don’t know if it’s PTSD from what I saw (which it has heavily affected me) or what because I think I might had related those specific characteristics as to stuff (like hentai, or lolis just they normally look smaller and they’re soft I’ve always enjoyed tummy and like imagining my boyfriend’s) I would jack off to and if I think about it that way it’s still hot but when I remember the EXACT image I saw I’m just horrified again. And it’s making me feel like a monster. Though if I think of the mix weird vision I think I still find it hot, it was very surreal and I’m a very horny teenager so I am losing my mind.
My boyfriend has told me that at this age we just want to have sex with anything and everything and that soft and small = is something the teenage brain will want to have sex with. But I find this so abhorrent and I wouldn’t even want to touch a child so I don’t know what is going on. I can’t think about anything else other than this. I also talked to my mom about it and she told me it’s normal because I was fooled by this since it was something abhorrent yet presented to me in a sexual way related to stuff I find attractive and that I like soft and small stuff still because I’m still soft and even if I’m a 15yo my mind is still developing so????
And I know I definitely don’t like the girl’s face nor the disgusting video but the hallucination still turned me on even if it was distorted and all that and I really really don’t want to be a pedophile I’d been fighting them on Twitter for so long I want kids to feel safe and when I think of kids naked but in normal situations like getting their dipper changed I don’t feel anything so I’m extremely confused and concerned I’m a bad person.
Please, please I need to know if I’m normal. I’m about to turn 16 and I could be diagnosed with this horrible thing. I’m going to lose my mind.
Zoe Chater said 4 years ago:
Hi there- moderator here! ,
I am so sorry to hear you have been suffering so much as a result of what could be OCD, and I hope that I can help to provide as much information as I can to try and help.
Firstly, please know that you aren't alone in this and I hope that this forum is an indication of this for you! There are sadly so many other people in your current situation facing/potentially facing a horrible disorder. Please know that there is a youth OCD helpline and email address with volunteers readily available to help you and listen to what you are going through : youthhelpline@ocdaction.org.uk (email address). You are never alone in this and please don't forget that.
You also mention having felt previously suicidal and I am so sorry to hear this. If at any point you're feeling suicidal, we strongly suggest you call the Samaritans, who are always here to help you.
The Samaritans are a charity available 24 hours a day offering a free confidential listening service to people in distress. They offer support to anyone who needs someone to talk to. The volunteers at the Samaritans are not professional counsellors, but will listen to you, not judge you in any way and they offer complete confidentiality.
Their number is 116 123.
You can also email them at: jo@samaritans.org
It is so brave of you to have posted this and I am sure you have helped out so many people who are experiencing the same as you by being a voice for them. If you are curious as to whether you have OCD, I would strongly recommend talking to your parents about this (as hard as this may be, all they want is to make sure you are mentally and physiclaly okay). From this, they can help you to contact the GP via the phone to discuss the way you have been feeling, which could help you to seek treatment from them via referrals if you do find out you have a diagnosis of OCD.
You have already been so brave in writing this post- you can continue this by seeking help from a professional which could in turn really help you
Kind regards,
Zoe (Moderator)